Through the broken glass..

Why am I living ?? I beg please answer

2009-07-29T14:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I lay down in bed, asking myself, “what on earth am I here for?”. Obviously I don’t normally read books, and so I wouldn’t be inspired even if I read something like The Purpose Driven Life. And so I would ask myself this question, over and over, without completely clearing it all up in my head.
I know there must be some other reason to live, aside from myself or my loved ones. There should be. Sometimes I feel empty, as if all the things I do are pointless.
When thinking about “the reason to live is for myself”, I wouldn’t know if it is really of any use. You know, as if I am nothing, I can just let my time stop, think about nothing, and make myself useless in an instant. And for all I care, I don’t care what happens to me, really. As if there would be no reason to live. As if I don’t need myself to live at all.
When thinking about “the reason to live is for others”, I wouldn’t know if it is really of any use. The only possible reason is for ‘repay’. I would need to repay my parents the equivalent happiness that they gave me. But really, do I need to repay? I’m just deciding it all by myself, trying to equalize happiness to happiness. But they could ‘not need’ my happiness. They can get it from others right?
Thinking about it, it seems that everything I do with my life is useless.
No I’m not suicidal over here, I am again thinking about things without any emotions. Right now, as I type my mind and convert them into words, I feel neither happiness nor sadness. Yet another out-of-body experience, as if I’m looking at myself in third person.
So, I ask again, what the hell am I here for?
I would also want to question God lately. Or maybe I would rather question the religion I belong in. No really, with all these disasters and whatnot, it really seems as if we are relying on God too much, and in a very subtle but dangerous way, slowly losing faith on him.
Example. When I was young, I have never heard of a person that says, “God sometimes gets angry” whenever we meet a disaster or something like that. In a mild, indirect way, people say that “God is testing our faith”. But nowadays, and more than ever evident today because of the tsunami disaster, people would say, “God got angry at us”. And more worse is, “There is no God”.
I have said it before and I will say it again: are we losing our faith? Faith in God? Faith in ourselves? Which faith are we losing? Or do we not have that faith in the first place? After all these questions that never get any answers, the next question would be the same thing I’m asking right now, “what the hell am I here for?”
In desperate search for an answer, which I know may not exist in this lifetime, I merely reflect… and forget. Seemingly running away isn’t it? Let me create a scenario why I think sometimes everything I do in my life is useless.
What if suddenly I got tired of my life? I just wanna stop. I didn’t mean dying, just stop… growing up. Stop trying to study lessons which I now think as stupid. Stop watching shows and entertaining myself. Stop learning about the basic essentials that would be useful when I grow up. In other words… what if suddenly I don’t wanna grow up anymore? So now I have no possibility of graduating and getting a job. But what is it for? I only get money from a job. What else? The basic needs of a human are food, clothing, shelter. I can get those easily from everyone I know. Now I’ve become a parasite for the rest of my life. Now, finally, it really seems that everything I do with my life is useless. Because I can basically depend on others in order to live. The rest of my life, I will live like this. End of scenario.
Please so find a loophole in that scenario, because there are none that could be possibly thought of. You, the reader, may think that scenario will not work because someday there would be no one to depend on. I say no, even complete strangers could be depended on. The scenario, me in that scenario, can continue to live without growing up, merely taking in basic needs (food, clothing, shelter), never having to worry about studies, jobs, anything else.
Wow. I just created the perfect scenario for the lazy guy, some failure guy who never really liked what he is doing right now, whatever he is doing. He can just stop.
I want to contradict my own scenario creation, but I can’t. The reality of life is that there are too many ways to live. In fact, in every person born also born is a way or path to life. No two paths could ever be created equal, unless God desires it to be. But the limits of the human mind, my mind, couldn’t think of a path of life identical to another. My scenario can still be divided into multiple posibility life paths. For example, if a person abides by my scenario, he may die easily, because there is a chance that no one stranger would be taking him in, giving him the basic needs of a human. In another life patch, a person may be lucky enough to follow my scenario and live with the basic needs of a human, after being adopted by a sort-of Good Samaritan. In fact, my scenario, a variation of it, may be lived by a person right this very moment. Someone who just lost it, his reason to live.
Am I veering away from the subject? Inserting faith, religion, human needs… etc? I hope you would still bear with me. I hope you, the reader, are still reading this article. You can quit reading and hell I care.
And so, is there really a need to find a reason to live, when in life you can render yourself worthless, useless, and yet still live? Some humans have their pride.
Is it for themselves? Some people want to be successful in life. But really, what does success mean? Especially in these desperate times? Nowadays, it doesn’t matter if you are a movie star or just some bum in the street. Basic rule in life: everybody is equal. You can be a movie star and be unlucky enough to die in a vacation resort due to a tsunami. You can also be a bum in the street and be lucky enough to find out that people are giving help to you everyday in terms of giving you food or clothing. Everybody is equal. And so, why do people still strive to find a reason to live?
Is it for others? Again, I said that other people can find their happiness with other people. It doesn’t necessarily need to come from that person who lost their way.
And so I find myself running around in a circle. Well, I will try to break this circle right now.
But really, the only way to break the circle is NOT thinking about it anymore. So I will shut up now…
......
No seriously. I started something, and it should end with me too. So let’s find the real answer. I don’t know if I can find the real answer as I think and type these words randomly, but please do share the experience with me. Maybe it will be life changing for you, maybe you’ll find this article too corny or pointless. Again I say, people are different. As for me, don’t worry, really. These are mere thoughts to me.
First and foremost, let’s start with God. God created us, and so we ask a basic question, “Why?”. Why did He create us? Let’s make that question complex… why did He create us to live in this world? Now let’s make that question a little more morbid. Why did He create us to suffer? Obviously, we won’t know the answer, in all of our lifetimes. We can’t even reach God normally. Only in miracles and extreme faith do God exist in our senses. But technically He always exists in our hearts, right?

uff ye yaadein

2008-02-20T10:54:00.000-08:00

Tanhayion ke alam mein,

Aksar dil ko ye samjhata hoon main,

gam na kar ke koi sang nahi tere,

shukr kar ke kuchh yaadein to hain.

Mere aise samjhane par,

Dil bhi khud ko samjhata hai,

Saare vartmaan ko bhulkar phir,

Yaadon ke manzar main chala jaata hai.

Wo yaadein jinme mamta,

Umad kar bahar aati hai,“Mere bache”,

hum aaj bhi tere saath hain,

Ye pyar se mujhe btati hai.

Haan Kuchh wo mithi yaadein,

Jinme wo pyare se log rehte hain,

Wo log jo bhul chuke hain hamein,

Lekin hame aaj bhi yaad aate hain.
kuchh wo yadein jo batati hain,

ki hamne kitni thokre khayi hain,

un logon ki yaadein jinhone,

kitni baatein sunayi hain.

Haan wo yaadein jo hamari,

Kamyabiyon ko saamne le aati hain,

Un thokron ka natija kya nikla tha,

Aa kar mujhe samjhati hain

Wo yaadein jo kehti hain,

Ki tera bhagya tere hi haath hai,

Koi aur saath ho na ho ,

Hum hamesha tere saath hain.

Yaadon ko yaad karke lagta hai,

Main Zindagi ke kitne karib hoon,

Mere paas ye yaadein hain,

Main sach much khushnasib hoon.

ab samajh nahi ata ye kyun likha

2008-02-20T08:01:00.000-08:00

Kisi Ki Ankh Se Sapney Chura Kar Kuch Nahi Milta
Mandiron Se Chiraaghon Ko Bhuja Kar Kuch Nahi Milta

Koi Ik Adha Sapna Ho To Ho , Acha Bhi Lagta Hai
Hazaron Khawb Ankhon Mein Saja Ker Kuch Nahi Milta

Sukoon Unko Nahi Milta Kabhi Pardes Bhi Ja Ker
Jinhein Apne Watan Se Dil Laga Ker Kuch Nahi Milta

Usay Kehna Ke Palkon Pe Na Tanke Khawbon Ke Jhumar
Samandar Ke Kinare Ghar Bana Ker Kuch Nahi Milta

Yeh Acha Hai Ke Apas Ke Bharam Na Tootney Payen
Kabhi Kabhi Doston Ko Azma Ker Kuch Nahi Milta

Mujhe Aksar Sitaron Se Yehi Awaaz Aati Hai
Kissi Ke yaadon Mein Neendein Ganwa Ker Kuch Nahi Milta

Jigar Ho Jayega Chalni,Yeh Ankhein Khoon ke ansu Royengi
Wasi Bhi-wafa Logon Se Nibha Ker Kuch Nahi Milta

2008-01-24T06:49:00.000-08:00

Hamare Darmiyan pal Rahein Sadiyon Ki Khamoshiyan
Kuch Is Tarha Guftugu Karna Acha Lagta Hai
Tumhre Baghir Zindagi Ka Koi Tassavur Nahi Hai
Kuch Is Tarha Tumhari Tamanna Karna Acha Lagta Hai

ishq karnay kay bhi kuch aa dab hotay hain
khule aakhon main bhi kuch khwab hotay hain
har koi roo kay dekhai yeh zarore to nahi
khushk ankhoun main bhi selaab hotay hain

Poochtay ho ,kyun us say pyar karte jaate hoo

ye sawaal tum khud say baar baar karte jaate hoo
wo to na rakh saka kabhi bhi wafao ka bharam
phir kio us ki baato pay aietbaar karte jaate hoo
Poochtay ho ,kyun us say pyar karte jaate hoo

janty ho na pehna sakay na usko kabhi ridaye mohabbat
phir bhi chah mein us ki daman taar taar kiye jaaty hoo
jab chaap apnay dil kay younhi seeye jaana tha tujhe
kio uskay diye zakhmoo ko shumaar kiyee jaaty hoo
Poochtay ho ,kyun us say pyar karte jaate hoo

shayed kabhi na lout kai aasakay wo mery taraf
kio aise musafir ka intezaar kerty jaaty ho
janaay kiaa us sahir nay kerdiaa hai mujh per jaado shaam 0 sehar mai
khud ko beqaraaar kerty jaaty hooo
bina us kai lagta nahi hai kahin dil
log kehtay hai kyun khud ko bekaar karte jaate hoo
Poochtay ho ,kyun us say pyar karte jaate hoo

kash aisa yun na hota..

2008-01-22T10:27:00.000-08:00

Hansi dekh k meri sab mehfil mein muskura diye

Tumne pad liye shayad mere gham jo mere paas aa gaye

Baahon main bhar k poochha jab tumne

Kucch na bole hum bas muskura diye

Jaana tha aaj tumhe humse door hamesha k liye

Jaate jaate tere chehre se ashq chura liye

Saj k baithe the tum shayad kisi ke liye

Saare armaan apne ishq ke humne aag mein jala diye

Kucch na socha kabhi maine kucch na chaha tha

tere siwa Keh na paaya dil kii baat

shayad yahi thi meri khata

Kaash main iqraar kar deta apni mohabbat ka

Toh anjaam mein na milti ye saza

Jaana hai kal subah tumhe sab naato ko tod kar

Is baat ne mere ashq thay baha diye

Dekhi thi maine shikan tere chehre par bhi

Mere aasuon ne sitam tujhpe dha diye

Tune poochha jab hale dil de k apni kasam

Raaz sare is dil k jo thay wo tujhe bata diye

palkein bheeg gayi aur lab khamosh ho gaye

teri khamoshi ke lafz mujhe saare jawab de gaye

saj chuki thi par doli teri hum

dono ne apne gham chhupa liye

sab roye thay teri vidaayi main dekha

jab tune mujhe toh hum muskura diye

Ab to kabra ka karma bhi chota lagta hai
Tere bina jeena ab marna sa lgta hai
Kuch khata tumhari bhi rhi hogi
Jiski saza khuda ne is kadar tay ki hogi

ajeeb ishq hai ye

2008-01-15T08:41:00.000-08:00

wo Muhabbat Ka Meri Mujh Say Hisab Mangte Hai
Tamam Umer Ka Mujh Say Naseeb Mangte Hai

Us Kay Qadmoon Main Khushioon Ko Dher Kar Diya
Pagal hai kyun jo Un Cheezon Ka ahsan Mante Hai

Hazar Bar Kaha Sirf Tum Say Pyar Hai
par jane kyun fir bhi Meray Pyar Ka Mujh Say Iqrar Mangte Hai

Har Sawal Kay Jawab Ko Jantay Huay BhiA
pnay Har Sawal Ka Jawab Mangte Hai

Ajeeb Shaks Hay wo jo Khusioon Ko Daman Main Lay Ker
Khushioon Ki Bheeg Sir-E-Bazar Mangte Hai

Hum Mout Ki Dehleez Per Hain ,Jante Hai Jana Hai Hamein
Pagal Hay jo Hamaray Ruknay Ki Dua Mangte Hai......

Untitled...

2007-11-19T11:45:00.000-08:00

Every day
you find a new way
to break my heart

to make me sway
to kill me a little more
with your words so sore
or your silent silence
that defeats my very core

Every night
is a silent fight
to hold in the tears
with a smile too bright
to reign in the anger
I feel at this stranger
the stranger who is me
yet to me is a danger

Every time we talk
is a torturous walk
down memory lane
those moments still stalk
but i chose this life for me
able to live with it i must be
even though it kills me a little each day
i have no option but to drown in this sea

EMPTY..!!

2007-10-04T00:58:00.000-07:00

Empty thoughts empty mind
empty is all that's left behind

Empty heart empty soul
empty is what has made me whole

Empty poems empty prose
empty is all that within me grows

Empty muse empty force
empty i write without remorse..

The blank green table...

2007-09-17T06:09:00.001-07:00

I am sitting on a blank green table
in a class full of chattering people
yet not a sound pierces my thought bubble
as i sit here thinking of you..

The teacher is standing in the corner
tortured and insulted hurt and broken
may be he knows what i am suffering
as i sit here thinking of you

There was a time when every other sentence you said was "I LOVE YOU"
and today all you have left is "I have NOTHING to say to you"
where have we come we you don't care anymore..i wonder
as i sit here thinking of you

You say you are busy
can't help the way i am feeling
But then did you ever care..i ponder
as i sit here thinking of you

These thoughts these feelings
are lynching me to death
killing my precious memories
as i sit here thinking of you

Tarnished i stand feeling foolish and betrayed
duped by my own instincts would i ever trust again
no i decide understanding the lesson i have been taught
as i sit here thinking of you

I am sitting on a blank green table
wiping my slate just as clean
letting go of the past and the future
as i no longer sit here thinking of you..

zindagi ne zindagi bhar gam diye

2007-09-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

thi mom si pighalti zindagi,
kshan kshan ristee,sulagti zindagi,
katara katara ghatati,katarti zindagi,
kataraati khud se,sakpakati zindagi,
jalti khud ,khud ko bhulaati zindagi,
andheron ko lubhaati,lau se lipti zindagi,

shayad kabhi......neenv mein hi simat jaati zindagi,
aur tabhi....badan pe fisalti humne paayi zindagi,
rishton mein lapetti nazar aayi zindagi,shikawon ko jalaati,shikan-si saham jaati,
boond-boond upalaati ,sard sajaayi zindagi,dhuein mein urati-firati,
koron se thodi darati,mere antar-man ke dhaagesang khilkhilaayi zindagi.

phir tumne aah bhar di,is mom ke shahar mein,
pattharon ke dil se bhi,nikal aayi zindagi.
thi mom si kabhi.... yeh pighalti zindagi,ab mom si hai yeh......sanwarti zindagi,
tha dar kabhi ise......mit jaane ka shaayad,ab aahon ki aabroo ko teri......darti hai zindagi.

meri zindagi ko teri hui aadat hai yakinan,
tabhi to tere dar se gujarti hai zindagi.
meri zindagi ki bas ek ilteja hai tumseis bejubaan zindagi ko maan le apni zindagi.

koi padhe to ro na dena

2007-09-12T07:09:00.000-07:00

Gum iska nahi ki wo darte hai hame zamane k samne lane me,
gum to hai ki is zamane k chalte hum darte hai apne jazbaton ko unke samne lane me

WOH RUTHE HUMSE ,HUM MANANE CHALE GAYE,MANANA NAHI AATA YEH BHUL HI GAYE ,MANANA HUMNE KABHI SIKHA HI NAHI,KYA KARE HUMSE PEHLE KOI RUTHA HI NAHI!!!

Un andhero mein jab na koi kareeb tha mere,
Isi tanhaai ne toh nibhaya tha mere saath.
Par kya ek pal ko bhi toone socha E Khuda,
Tere usi tanhaai ki vajah se he nahi thama tha kisi ne mera haath.

Rone ko toh ro lunga mein jaar-jaar,
Tapkenge ye aansu ek nahi hazaron baar.
Par ush tanhai mein bhi nibhane wala koi saath toh ho,
Tanha he sahi, par dil ki koi baat toh ho.

Ab toh ghoot raha hai dum mera ish tanhai mein,
Aur dikh raha hai chehra uska apni he parchai mein.
Ab aur kitna andhere baki hai is tanhai mein,
Is seene mein jal raha hai ek dil yaadon ki gehraai mein.

Ek muddat se nahi dekha use, ab toh intehan ho gayi hai intzaar ki,
Aur sukh rahi hai ye ankhein ummid mein uske deedar ki.
Baat na sahi, par uska ek Akash toh dikha de,
Ek pal ko he sahi, par ush Sakhas se toh mila de..

hum likhe to aise kaise likhe

2007-09-12T03:36:00.000-07:00

Tere diye huye aanso hai tere diye hoye gham hai
tera diya hua tuta hua dil hai jeene ke liye ye kya kam hai

jab pyaar hamne tujh se kiya to kya pyaar ese kam hai
teri yado ke diye huye mele hai kya hua agar akele ham hai

bhulke milne juda hone ke kayi sawaal hai
har jawab main bas ankhein hi to nam hai

teri berukhi tera u satana tere liye chup chup kar anso bahana
zindagi ke safar main kafi ye kam hai

ehmiyat ye sache pyaar ki har kisi ko nahi milti
sache pyaar ka ye tofa mila mujhe tujh se hi to sanam hai

koun kehta hai ke joda ho gae en faslo se ham
lamho ki es barish main her pal teri yado ka janm hai

teri batien tere wade teri woh muskorahthein
jilege ab enke sahare enmein bahut dam hai

Jab tujh se pyaar kiya tu tere ghamo se bhi ker lege
kaya howa ger bewafa hai, hai tu mera hi woh sanam hai

Exuberancia azules..

2007-09-10T14:49:00.001-07:00

It starts with frustration and ends with FRUSTRATION!!!

Yes, we are talking about that four letter word that's like chocolate.. some love it, some hate it and others, just don't care.. and we are not talking about love here, it's life which is so fucked up, it makes your world go round till you are too dizzy to stay sane.

Have you ever wondered how it is to let your life go out of control right in front of your eyes and strangle you, while you stand there hapless with no knowledge of what is to come and where its taking you..

Have you ever wondered how it is when you are desperately trying to fix those wrecked pieces of your life, while they keep messing up more n more..

Have you ever wondered how it is when your own reflection stares at you like a stranger..

Have you ever wondered how it is when every time you try to solve this crossword, the answers just won't match..

Have you ever wondered how it is when you wake up to a person more beaten than the one who slept..

Have you ever wondered how it is to live with yourself, when you are hating every bit of it..

Have you ever wondered how it is to shovel through this snow, when all you want to do is curl up and get frozen..

Have you ever wondered how it is when you are trying to hold onto something with all your might, and all you are left with is zilch..

Have you ever wondered how it is when, just when you decide you are at the bottom of the world, you find yourself getting plunged, deeper still..

Have you ever wondered how it is to scream your head off and not hear a sound, when all you want is to cry out loud n tears just won't come out..

Have you ever wondered how it is to feel a love that the whole world can see except the one you love..

Have you ever wondered how it is to feel so down that even chocolate doesn't work..

Have you ever wondered how it is when you are standing in a circle of light and yet, it's only the shadows beyond it that you can see..

Have you ever wondered how it is when every time you look back, all you see is mistakes that you could never learn from, wounds that time could never heal, and regrets that would never go away.

And then, have you also wondered.. that no matter how unhappy we are, no matter how much in pain, no matter how powerless we feel.. we still choose to live.. dangling by that faint glimmer of hope.. that someday things will change.. Maybe, life's not about frustration after all..
Maybe, it's just about a promise.. that, deep inside you know.. will be broken.. and you will be left again.. to wonder!

SUNI & UMANG

Through the same cracked glass...

2007-09-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

The glass is still cracked, the view is still blue
i don't know where i am going, just here to find a clue..

Through the broken glass..

2007-03-27T03:23:00.000-07:00

Broken glass..obstructs my view..
I'll write back..when I'm through..