Why am I living ?? I beg please answer

Sometimes I lay down in bed, asking myself, “what on earth am I here for?”. Obviously I don’t normally read books, and so I wouldn’t be inspired even if I read something like The Purpose Driven Life. And so I would ask myself this question, over and over, without completely clearing it all up in my head.
I know there must be some other reason to live, aside from myself or my loved ones. There should be. Sometimes I feel empty, as if all the things I do are pointless.
When thinking about “the reason to live is for myself”, I wouldn’t know if it is really of any use. You know, as if I am nothing, I can just let my time stop, think about nothing, and make myself useless in an instant. And for all I care, I don’t care what happens to me, really. As if there would be no reason to live. As if I don’t need myself to live at all.
When thinking about “the reason to live is for others”, I wouldn’t know if it is really of any use. The only possible reason is for ‘repay’. I would need to repay my parents the equivalent happiness that they gave me. But really, do I need to repay? I’m just deciding it all by myself, trying to equalize happiness to happiness. But they could ‘not need’ my happiness. They can get it from others right?
Thinking about it, it seems that everything I do with my life is useless.
No I’m not suicidal over here, I am again thinking about things without any emotions. Right now, as I type my mind and convert them into words, I feel neither happiness nor sadness. Yet another out-of-body experience, as if I’m looking at myself in third person.
So, I ask again, what the hell am I here for?
I would also want to question God lately. Or maybe I would rather question the religion I belong in. No really, with all these disasters and whatnot, it really seems as if we are relying on God too much, and in a very subtle but dangerous way, slowly losing faith on him.
Example. When I was young, I have never heard of a person that says, “God sometimes gets angry” whenever we meet a disaster or something like that. In a mild, indirect way, people say that “God is testing our faith”. But nowadays, and more than ever evident today because of the tsunami disaster, people would say, “God got angry at us”. And more worse is, “There is no God”.
I have said it before and I will say it again: are we losing our faith? Faith in God? Faith in ourselves? Which faith are we losing? Or do we not have that faith in the first place? After all these questions that never get any answers, the next question would be the same thing I’m asking right now, “what the hell am I here for?”
In desperate search for an answer, which I know may not exist in this lifetime, I merely reflect… and forget. Seemingly running away isn’t it? Let me create a scenario why I think sometimes everything I do in my life is useless.
What if suddenly I got tired of my life? I just wanna stop. I didn’t mean dying, just stop… growing up. Stop trying to study lessons which I now think as stupid. Stop watching shows and entertaining myself. Stop learning about the basic essentials that would be useful when I grow up. In other words… what if suddenly I don’t wanna grow up anymore? So now I have no possibility of graduating and getting a job. But what is it for? I only get money from a job. What else? The basic needs of a human are food, clothing, shelter. I can get those easily from everyone I know. Now I’ve become a parasite for the rest of my life. Now, finally, it really seems that everything I do with my life is useless. Because I can basically depend on others in order to live. The rest of my life, I will live like this. End of scenario.
Please so find a loophole in that scenario, because there are none that could be possibly thought of. You, the reader, may think that scenario will not work because someday there would be no one to depend on. I say no, even complete strangers could be depended on. The scenario, me in that scenario, can continue to live without growing up, merely taking in basic needs (food, clothing, shelter), never having to worry about studies, jobs, anything else.
Wow. I just created the perfect scenario for the lazy guy, some failure guy who never really liked what he is doing right now, whatever he is doing. He can just stop.
I want to contradict my own scenario creation, but I can’t. The reality of life is that there are too many ways to live. In fact, in every person born also born is a way or path to life. No two paths could ever be created equal, unless God desires it to be. But the limits of the human mind, my mind, couldn’t think of a path of life identical to another. My scenario can still be divided into multiple posibility life paths. For example, if a person abides by my scenario, he may die easily, because there is a chance that no one stranger would be taking him in, giving him the basic needs of a human. In another life patch, a person may be lucky enough to follow my scenario and live with the basic needs of a human, after being adopted by a sort-of Good Samaritan. In fact, my scenario, a variation of it, may be lived by a person right this very moment. Someone who just lost it, his reason to live.
Am I veering away from the subject? Inserting faith, religion, human needs… etc? I hope you would still bear with me. I hope you, the reader, are still reading this article. You can quit reading and hell I care.
And so, is there really a need to find a reason to live, when in life you can render yourself worthless, useless, and yet still live? Some humans have their pride.
Is it for themselves? Some people want to be successful in life. But really, what does success mean? Especially in these desperate times? Nowadays, it doesn’t matter if you are a movie star or just some bum in the street. Basic rule in life: everybody is equal. You can be a movie star and be unlucky enough to die in a vacation resort due to a tsunami. You can also be a bum in the street and be lucky enough to find out that people are giving help to you everyday in terms of giving you food or clothing. Everybody is equal. And so, why do people still strive to find a reason to live?
Is it for others? Again, I said that other people can find their happiness with other people. It doesn’t necessarily need to come from that person who lost their way.
And so I find myself running around in a circle. Well, I will try to break this circle right now.
But really, the only way to break the circle is NOT thinking about it anymore. So I will shut up now…
......
No seriously. I started something, and it should end with me too. So let’s find the real answer. I don’t know if I can find the real answer as I think and type these words randomly, but please do share the experience with me. Maybe it will be life changing for you, maybe you’ll find this article too corny or pointless. Again I say, people are different. As for me, don’t worry, really. These are mere thoughts to me.
First and foremost, let’s start with God. God created us, and so we ask a basic question, “Why?”. Why did He create us? Let’s make that question complex… why did He create us to live in this world? Now let’s make that question a little more morbid. Why did He create us to suffer? Obviously, we won’t know the answer, in all of our lifetimes. We can’t even reach God normally. Only in miracles and extreme faith do God exist in our senses. But technically He always exists in our hearts, right?

uff ye yaadein

Tanhayion ke alam mein,

Aksar dil ko ye samjhata hoon main,

gam na kar ke koi sang nahi tere,

shukr kar ke kuchh yaadein to hain.

Mere aise samjhane par,

Dil bhi khud ko samjhata hai,

Saare vartmaan ko bhulkar phir,

Yaadon ke manzar main chala jaata hai.

Wo yaadein jinme mamta,

Umad kar bahar aati hai,“Mere bache”,

hum aaj bhi tere saath hain,

Ye pyar se mujhe btati hai.

Haan Kuchh wo mithi yaadein,

Jinme wo pyare se log rehte hain,

Wo log jo bhul chuke hain hamein,

Lekin hame aaj bhi yaad aate hain.
kuchh wo yadein jo batati hain,

ki hamne kitni thokre khayi hain,

un logon ki yaadein jinhone,

kitni baatein sunayi hain.

Haan wo yaadein jo hamari,

Kamyabiyon ko saamne le aati hain,

Un thokron ka natija kya nikla tha,

Aa kar mujhe samjhati hain

Wo yaadein jo kehti hain,

Ki tera bhagya tere hi haath hai,

Koi aur saath ho na ho ,

Hum hamesha tere saath hain.

Yaadon ko yaad karke lagta hai,

Main Zindagi ke kitne karib hoon,

Mere paas ye yaadein hain,

Main sach much khushnasib hoon.

ab samajh nahi ata ye kyun likha

Kisi Ki Ankh Se Sapney Chura Kar Kuch Nahi Milta
Mandiron Se Chiraaghon Ko Bhuja Kar Kuch Nahi Milta

Koi Ik Adha Sapna Ho To Ho , Acha Bhi Lagta Hai
Hazaron Khawb Ankhon Mein Saja Ker Kuch Nahi Milta

Sukoon Unko Nahi Milta Kabhi Pardes Bhi Ja Ker
Jinhein Apne Watan Se Dil Laga Ker Kuch Nahi Milta

Usay Kehna Ke Palkon Pe Na Tanke Khawbon Ke Jhumar
Samandar Ke Kinare Ghar Bana Ker Kuch Nahi Milta

Yeh Acha Hai Ke Apas Ke Bharam Na Tootney Payen
Kabhi Kabhi Doston Ko Azma Ker Kuch Nahi Milta

Mujhe Aksar Sitaron Se Yehi Awaaz Aati Hai
Kissi Ke yaadon Mein Neendein Ganwa Ker Kuch Nahi Milta

Jigar Ho Jayega Chalni,Yeh Ankhein Khoon ke ansu Royengi
Wasi Bhi-wafa Logon Se Nibha Ker Kuch Nahi Milta

Hamare Darmiyan pal Rahein Sadiyon Ki Khamoshiyan
Kuch Is Tarha Guftugu Karna Acha Lagta Hai
Tumhre Baghir Zindagi Ka Koi Tassavur Nahi Hai
Kuch Is Tarha Tumhari Tamanna Karna Acha Lagta Hai

ishq karnay kay bhi kuch aa dab hotay hain
khule aakhon main bhi kuch khwab hotay hain
har koi roo kay dekhai yeh zarore to nahi
khushk ankhoun main bhi selaab hotay hain

Poochtay ho ,kyun us say pyar karte jaate hoo

ye sawaal tum khud say baar baar karte jaate hoo
wo to na rakh saka kabhi bhi wafao ka bharam
phir kio us ki baato pay aietbaar karte jaate hoo
Poochtay ho ,kyun us say pyar karte jaate hoo

janty ho na pehna sakay na usko kabhi ridaye mohabbat
phir bhi chah mein us ki daman taar taar kiye jaaty hoo
jab chaap apnay dil kay younhi seeye jaana tha tujhe
kio uskay diye zakhmoo ko shumaar kiyee jaaty hoo
Poochtay ho ,kyun us say pyar karte jaate hoo

shayed kabhi na lout kai aasakay wo mery taraf
kio aise musafir ka intezaar kerty jaaty ho
janaay kiaa us sahir nay kerdiaa hai mujh per jaado shaam 0 sehar mai
khud ko beqaraaar kerty jaaty hooo
bina us kai lagta nahi hai kahin dil
log kehtay hai kyun khud ko bekaar karte jaate hoo
Poochtay ho ,kyun us say pyar karte jaate hoo

kash aisa yun na hota..

Hansi dekh k meri sab mehfil mein muskura diye

Tumne pad liye shayad mere gham jo mere paas aa gaye

Baahon main bhar k poochha jab tumne

Kucch na bole hum bas muskura diye

Jaana tha aaj tumhe humse door hamesha k liye

Jaate jaate tere chehre se ashq chura liye

Saj k baithe the tum shayad kisi ke liye

Saare armaan apne ishq ke humne aag mein jala diye

Kucch na socha kabhi maine kucch na chaha tha

tere siwa Keh na paaya dil kii baat

shayad yahi thi meri khata

Kaash main iqraar kar deta apni mohabbat ka

Toh anjaam mein na milti ye saza

Jaana hai kal subah tumhe sab naato ko tod kar

Is baat ne mere ashq thay baha diye

Dekhi thi maine shikan tere chehre par bhi

Mere aasuon ne sitam tujhpe dha diye

Tune poochha jab hale dil de k apni kasam

Raaz sare is dil k jo thay wo tujhe bata diye

palkein bheeg gayi aur lab khamosh ho gaye

teri khamoshi ke lafz mujhe saare jawab de gaye

saj chuki thi par doli teri hum

dono ne apne gham chhupa liye

sab roye thay teri vidaayi main dekha

jab tune mujhe toh hum muskura diye

Ab to kabra ka karma bhi chota lagta hai
Tere bina jeena ab marna sa lgta hai
Kuch khata tumhari bhi rhi hogi
Jiski saza khuda ne is kadar tay ki hogi

ajeeb ishq hai ye

wo Muhabbat Ka Meri Mujh Say Hisab Mangte Hai
Tamam Umer Ka Mujh Say Naseeb Mangte Hai

Us Kay Qadmoon Main Khushioon Ko Dher Kar Diya
Pagal hai kyun jo Un Cheezon Ka ahsan Mante Hai

Hazar Bar Kaha Sirf Tum Say Pyar Hai
par jane kyun fir bhi Meray Pyar Ka Mujh Say Iqrar Mangte Hai

Har Sawal Kay Jawab Ko Jantay Huay BhiA
pnay Har Sawal Ka Jawab Mangte Hai

Ajeeb Shaks Hay wo jo Khusioon Ko Daman Main Lay Ker
Khushioon Ki Bheeg Sir-E-Bazar Mangte Hai

Hum Mout Ki Dehleez Per Hain ,Jante Hai Jana Hai Hamein
Pagal Hay jo Hamaray Ruknay Ki Dua Mangte Hai......

Untitled...

Every day
you find a new way
to break my heart

to make me sway
to kill me a little more
with your words so sore
or your silent silence
that defeats my very core

Every night
is a silent fight
to hold in the tears
with a smile too bright
to reign in the anger
I feel at this stranger
the stranger who is me
yet to me is a danger

Every time we talk
is a torturous walk
down memory lane
those moments still stalk
but i chose this life for me
able to live with it i must be
even though it kills me a little each day
i have no option but to drown in this sea