Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Why am I living ?? I beg please answer

Sometimes I lay down in bed, asking myself, “what on earth am I here for?”. Obviously I don’t normally read books, and so I wouldn’t be inspired even if I read something like The Purpose Driven Life. And so I would ask myself this question, over and over, without completely clearing it all up in my head.
I know there must be some other reason to live, aside from myself or my loved ones. There should be. Sometimes I feel empty, as if all the things I do are pointless.
When thinking about “the reason to live is for myself”, I wouldn’t know if it is really of any use. You know, as if I am nothing, I can just let my time stop, think about nothing, and make myself useless in an instant. And for all I care, I don’t care what happens to me, really. As if there would be no reason to live. As if I don’t need myself to live at all.
When thinking about “the reason to live is for others”, I wouldn’t know if it is really of any use. The only possible reason is for ‘repay’. I would need to repay my parents the equivalent happiness that they gave me. But really, do I need to repay? I’m just deciding it all by myself, trying to equalize happiness to happiness. But they could ‘not need’ my happiness. They can get it from others right?
Thinking about it, it seems that everything I do with my life is useless.
No I’m not suicidal over here, I am again thinking about things without any emotions. Right now, as I type my mind and convert them into words, I feel neither happiness nor sadness. Yet another out-of-body experience, as if I’m looking at myself in third person.
So, I ask again, what the hell am I here for?
I would also want to question God lately. Or maybe I would rather question the religion I belong in. No really, with all these disasters and whatnot, it really seems as if we are relying on God too much, and in a very subtle but dangerous way, slowly losing faith on him.
Example. When I was young, I have never heard of a person that says, “God sometimes gets angry” whenever we meet a disaster or something like that. In a mild, indirect way, people say that “God is testing our faith”. But nowadays, and more than ever evident today because of the tsunami disaster, people would say, “God got angry at us”. And more worse is, “There is no God”.
I have said it before and I will say it again: are we losing our faith? Faith in God? Faith in ourselves? Which faith are we losing? Or do we not have that faith in the first place? After all these questions that never get any answers, the next question would be the same thing I’m asking right now, “what the hell am I here for?”
In desperate search for an answer, which I know may not exist in this lifetime, I merely reflect… and forget. Seemingly running away isn’t it? Let me create a scenario why I think sometimes everything I do in my life is useless.
What if suddenly I got tired of my life? I just wanna stop. I didn’t mean dying, just stop… growing up. Stop trying to study lessons which I now think as stupid. Stop watching shows and entertaining myself. Stop learning about the basic essentials that would be useful when I grow up. In other words… what if suddenly I don’t wanna grow up anymore? So now I have no possibility of graduating and getting a job. But what is it for? I only get money from a job. What else? The basic needs of a human are food, clothing, shelter. I can get those easily from everyone I know. Now I’ve become a parasite for the rest of my life. Now, finally, it really seems that everything I do with my life is useless. Because I can basically depend on others in order to live. The rest of my life, I will live like this. End of scenario.
Please so find a loophole in that scenario, because there are none that could be possibly thought of. You, the reader, may think that scenario will not work because someday there would be no one to depend on. I say no, even complete strangers could be depended on. The scenario, me in that scenario, can continue to live without growing up, merely taking in basic needs (food, clothing, shelter), never having to worry about studies, jobs, anything else.
Wow. I just created the perfect scenario for the lazy guy, some failure guy who never really liked what he is doing right now, whatever he is doing. He can just stop.
I want to contradict my own scenario creation, but I can’t. The reality of life is that there are too many ways to live. In fact, in every person born also born is a way or path to life. No two paths could ever be created equal, unless God desires it to be. But the limits of the human mind, my mind, couldn’t think of a path of life identical to another. My scenario can still be divided into multiple posibility life paths. For example, if a person abides by my scenario, he may die easily, because there is a chance that no one stranger would be taking him in, giving him the basic needs of a human. In another life patch, a person may be lucky enough to follow my scenario and live with the basic needs of a human, after being adopted by a sort-of Good Samaritan. In fact, my scenario, a variation of it, may be lived by a person right this very moment. Someone who just lost it, his reason to live.
Am I veering away from the subject? Inserting faith, religion, human needs… etc? I hope you would still bear with me. I hope you, the reader, are still reading this article. You can quit reading and hell I care.
And so, is there really a need to find a reason to live, when in life you can render yourself worthless, useless, and yet still live? Some humans have their pride.
Is it for themselves? Some people want to be successful in life. But really, what does success mean? Especially in these desperate times? Nowadays, it doesn’t matter if you are a movie star or just some bum in the street. Basic rule in life: everybody is equal. You can be a movie star and be unlucky enough to die in a vacation resort due to a tsunami. You can also be a bum in the street and be lucky enough to find out that people are giving help to you everyday in terms of giving you food or clothing. Everybody is equal. And so, why do people still strive to find a reason to live?
Is it for others? Again, I said that other people can find their happiness with other people. It doesn’t necessarily need to come from that person who lost their way.
And so I find myself running around in a circle. Well, I will try to break this circle right now.
But really, the only way to break the circle is NOT thinking about it anymore. So I will shut up now…
No seriously. I started something, and it should end with me too. So let’s find the real answer. I don’t know if I can find the real answer as I think and type these words randomly, but please do share the experience with me. Maybe it will be life changing for you, maybe you’ll find this article too corny or pointless. Again I say, people are different. As for me, don’t worry, really. These are mere thoughts to me.
First and foremost, let’s start with God. God created us, and so we ask a basic question, “Why?”. Why did He create us? Let’s make that question complex… why did He create us to live in this world? Now let’s make that question a little more morbid. Why did He create us to suffer? Obviously, we won’t know the answer, in all of our lifetimes. We can’t even reach God normally. Only in miracles and extreme faith do God exist in our senses. But technically He always exists in our hearts, right?


Love said...

came across ur blog surfin.. blah blah blah..the point is i read this post and even when u showed ur apathy towards the reader i still kept on reading.. owing more to the fact maybe that i didnt have anythng better to do than to browse for some
content that i could relate to.. solitude,angst,apathy.. u knw.. the usually so
called "Negative" adjectives.
alright, so to take up ur point of the meaning of life and why we are here and
why is everyone living. i guess we could turn to science.. we just are. the
astronomical outcome of a trillion possibilities leading unto the birth of you n me.
now stop to think for a while. and i mean really. clear out ur mind of how you
want to think and really think.humans are the ones pondering over the question as to why we are here n all..
do animals do the same?
ppl who lose their will to live, ppl who fail to see a meaning to their lives are usually the ones who feel disconnected from the world, their family and
maybe sumtimes even with themselves.
there arises a void inside that nothing and i mean nothing can fill.. even if u find someone, fall in love and get married and all, it would only be covered
up, concealed behind the momentary lapse of.. lets say apathy..?
cos untill our mind.. our brilliant mind capable of having hundreds of
threads of thoughts at a time.. till the time it is preoccupied with something
else, we dont even realise that it is the same life we were complaining about,
nw that we have smthng better to do than to sit around on our ass and to piss
and moan about having a meaningless life.
whereas the only reason we are able to sit in front of our pc's and think and
type all this is because our advancement in every field has left us with a
little to much spare time cos if we had not advanced, we would still be hunting
animals and would be more worried about keeping our behinds safe from wild
animals than sit here and keep yapping away about this stuff.
i mean.. Darwin said its the survival of the fittest.. and i believe he had it right,
the fittest adjust and cope with the situation, the fittest stand true to the definition of a mammal.. they create an equilibrium with the world around
them, so the fact that we are thinking abt this stuff means that we are the unfit, unfit to cope with the modern era of tv stars, rock gods, advertisements
and the rest of the commercial bull.
If we question our existance we are judged to be loonies and people would rather be around ppl who.. for a lack of a better word.. are more enthusiastic about life.
i'm not preaching my opinion, im not playing reverse psychology and trying
to induce a response from you. i wont say if you dont wanna reply to this then the heck i care cos that would make me a liar and by this last line i didnt mean to mock you, lol, these meanings can go on n on...
i just felt like replying to ur post.. i dont know you.. never met you.. never
heard about you..i just know that there is a person who wrote this and that person too ... at some point.. felt this meaninglessness like i did.
oh. almost 4got.. about ur question about God.. maybe ur right.. we are losing faith.. faith in our inbuilt ability to survive.. maybe darwin would have to rewrite his theory cos here even the unfit are surviving, but surviving just aint living but then again living is overrated.
c ya

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